The Perils for Little Ol'Me and Internet Dating...

Yeah, so here is an important warning to Tadpoles, FrogBoys and FrogGirls contemplating the wilds of online date and friend making... For every great normal person you meet or date, there seem to be a range of big ol' freaks, like the profoundly socially awkward in disguise as witty avatars online and a list of other less than peachy kinds to meet.

Example: A sweet slightly chubby fellow, who shall now be called Comic Book Guy, or CBG for short, decided to start emailing little old me through the Onion Personals and at first it was nice. Certain guy criteria (minimal requirements for Ms. FroggerGirl) were met, he was smart (PhD candidate), attractive in the nerdy kind of way, etc… He seemed funny, even charming in the geeky dorky way I like so much. He joked about his height (short at 5’4” but not terrible) and his Jewish heritage was mentioned with jokes abounding. IM and emails followed and all seemed on a good course until….

Now, gentle reader I had warning signs of what was about to happen. I shrugged off a random freak-out by CBG caused by him interpreting my slow reply time to emails and such as a lack of interest/personal slight, and not remembering I had warned him I was on vacation, then was back at my job, and had limited computer time. FroggerGirl is not heartless (peanut gallery can be quiet) and decided to give CBG a second chance, figuring this was a bit overwhelming for him, which CBG agreed it was.

The problems started, as they always seem to in the Internet scenario with the first phone call. That first interaction with a person that is not dictated by a keyboard and having plenty of time to compose thoughts for an email, or being able to blame IM for errors in thought/comments. The phone call is often the death knell of these brief flames of internet interest. I was prepared for a nerdy CBG, who had warned me he had some nervousness with women and wanted to share some details on what he told me was a back issue. Yeah, this wasn’t just regular girl caused nerves or a minor back issue. THIS MAN WAS FREAKING SOCIALLY INEPT! Within the first 5 minutes I was informed of horrific girl related fainting episodes and told he, "Thought he was ok, even though he was a bit lightheaded." Now this may have been a compliment, but I actually think he was about to faint, which is not actually all that complimentary to a girl.

His back issue was MAJOR and there are like 5 different degenerative back ailments going on and major back surgery has occurred and will again. He has asthma, terrible eye sight and apparetnly a long list of ailments for our talking pleasure. Now, he was trying to be flirty and hinted at sexual stuff here too like, "I know I sound fragile, but I promise I'm sturdier stuff and good for cuddles and otehr stuff." followed by a few other attempts at flirt/sexy talk. All I could think is, "Sex...seriously dude you are lucky to even be walking...Sex? Really? I would break you, and that's assuming I wasn't just toally grossed out by some of what I have heard and would want to have physical anything with you. GOD HELP ME!!!!"
He had made jokes in an email that he didn’t drive b/c he wanted to save humanity from his driving. FroggerGirl interprets this as funny ha ha, he has some tickets and such on his record. Oh no, he has major depth perception issues and has wrecked 3-4 cars due to this problem. FYI, for any FrogBoys reading this saying, “My Dad is probably borderline Autistic or has a personality disorder. I had a cold childhood and I think I may have inherited some of his traits.” Is not a way to impress a lady, especially when she can’t tell if you joking and is then lead to believe you are not. So alas, the horror continued for too long b/c I was way too nice and couldn’t figure out a good lie to get off the phone.

Crazy me, I agree early in the conversation ,before the train wreck nature of this whole crazy thing comes to light, to go to dinner on Sunday with CBG. Totally regretted that decision by minute 20 on the phone. I decide after consulting the Princezz and other trusted friends, that I’ll give CBG a chance, maybe he was just super nervous? Maybe I’m too nice?

Anyhow, things get EVEN WEIRDER! In less than 24 hours I get about 6 emails ranging from, “Excited about Dinner” to “You can cancel if you want” to “Here is a list of places to meet other dorky guys” to my FAVORITE “I was on pain pills when I wrote those emails please don’t cancel on me” Plus, there was an attempt by CBG to call at like 11pm on a work night, which I ignored b/c, well, I'm a bitch and just couldn't face another phone call. Now, I'm a forgiving understanding person, but this was F**cking NUTS!

So, no date on Sunday for FroggerGirl b/c she reached her weird quota for like months to come. No sir, not going to happen. Apparently my rejection, which I thought was awfully nice and understanding via email, has crushed CBG. I was informed he was through with online dating, and that he probably wouldn’t date for 1-2 years. Yes kids, I have that kind of power, I can crush a man’s dating soul for years without ever having met him and only one phone call. Way to go me and my female powers!

So lesson learned, I am going to encounter my fair share of the freak patrol when online, but I can at least cope with it through humor…and now a blog for the random masses to read. FUN for ALL! Now my massive rant is done…until the next moment of horror to share!